Sharma ’93 says making wellness a priority is essential during difficult times

Pranav Sharma ’93 wasn’t in a good space mentally a decade ago as he and his wife struggled to pay medical bills as they raised their two young daughters and she battled breast cancer.

It was then he realized that the best thing he could do for his wife and daughters Marielle and Vivienne was to make his wellness his top priority. Because for him to be prepared to care for them, he needed to make sure he cared for himself.

“Once I started doing that, then I was a lot more equipped to manage the challenges that came at me, whether it's finances, whether it's relationship issues with my kids or my wife or at work,” he said. “I found that taking care of myself allowed me a lot more clarity of managing the ups and downs.”

Tamara, who overcame thyroid cancer as a teenager, was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer in 2014, eight months after their second child was born. During surgery in 2015, she was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. After going through radiation, chemotherapy and reconstruction, she was in remission until 2019. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer when it spread to her spine.

Sharma and Tamara were married for 14 years when she died on Dec. 27, 2022, at the age of 41.

“It all still feels fresh, like yesterday,” said Sharma, whose daughters are now 14 and 10.

“They’re developing well, but it’s still a huge impact on their lives,” he said.

Sharma isn’t looking for sympathy. He hopes the wellness tools that worked for him, which he discovered after reading self-help books and through trial and error, could help Culver alumni and others as they deal with life’s challenges.

He believes different tools work for different people. He thinks one problem many people face is they try something briefly and give up. He believes the key is doing something long enough that it becomes a habit.

Sharma found one of the biggest tools for wellness for him was getting adequate sleep. Sleep helps the mind and body to restore, repair and refresh.

He initially tried getting 10 hours sleep.

“I’d do it, and I’d find, ‘Wow, my mind is clearer. I’m physically and mentally fresher. I have reduced anxiety, higher energy, higher productivity and I’m less overwhelmed. It’s easier to take on the challenges of the day.’ But then the next night, I’d get four hours, or five hours or six hours,” he said.

He said he learned that the key is to be consistent in getting the right amount of rest so that it becomes a habit. Different books recommended everything from seven to 10 hours of sleep a night.

“I gathered over time that every individual is unique,” he said.

He learned that for him, it took about a month to learn that seven hours of sleep a night is ideal for him. Any more is not necessary to feel refreshed.

Sharma said he also learned that going to sleep with a sound mind gets him to a deep sleep faster and helps him get a more restful sleep. Almost every article about getting a good night’s sleep recommends powering down and getting away from screens.

Sharma said he’s learned the best thing for him is to read “a really great article around whatever I’m into at that point.” He said he also avoids watching any TV shows that show violence or cause agitation. He found that generally, the last things he did before going to bed affected the quality of sleep.

He said he’s also found journaling to be helpful. He said it can be as little as three sentences:

·        What was my win for the day?

·        What can I do better?

·        What am I grateful for?”

“A fourth one could be: What do I want to accomplish tomorrow? One thing. And it doesn’t have to be tangible, but it should be attainable. It can be: I want to feel good at the end of the day,” Sharma said.

 

 

He suggests using paper and pencil to journal because using a phone or a laptop invites distraction. He said it only takes about five minutes to journal and put him in the right state of mind.

Sharma said talking to your partner about those same goals he journals about or talking with your child when putting them in bed can also help with mental wellness. Sharma said he did that with one of his daughters when she was struggling with anxiety.

“So I would say, ‘What was your win for the day?” he said.

He said he could see that being something roommates at Culver could do to put their minds at ease.

“That’s a great mental health tool,” he said.

Five or six years ago, a friend recommended “Calm app,” which has a “Daily Calm” feature that offers a 10-minute guided meditation each day to help users develop a regular meditation practice. He said one of the techniques he learned was box breathing.

He said he doesn’t meditate every day, but he knows that he should.

“When I do it, I feel great. I’m also aware that doing it two or three days a week is not going to cut it. When I do it for a week, I’m in a great, great space,” he said.

It’s not easy, though. It took Sharma a long time to get to a place where a week of meditating allowed him to get into a mental space that’s sustainable. He had to meditate five days a week for four weeks with the assistance of the Calm app before he found he was in a much better relaxing space. Over time, he was able to get into a rhythm and it shortened to four or five consecutive days and he was in the same space.

He hopes eventually that he will get to the point where he only needs 10 minutes to get there. He said it’s a learning process and one needs to be motivated and committed enough to accomplish.

Sharma said something he picked up from coaching his daughters’ soccer teams, undergoing training to be licensed, is “reflecting.” He said after practice he reflects for five minutes on what went well, what didn’t go well and what he wants to do at the next practice. He does the same thing in professional situations.

He said by reflecting he can remind himself the next time he’s in a situation what he should and shouldn’t do.

He also is a believer in “manifestation” or “visualization,” the practice of thinking aspirational thoughts with the purpose of making them real, such as an athlete envisioning training in their sport to perfection.

“They visualize every moment of what they’re going to do. They’re so focused that when they get there, it seems like they’ve been there before,” he said.

He cites the documentary “Free Solo,” which followed Alex Honnold’s journey to become the first person to reach the top of Yosemite’s 3,000-foot El Capitan wall without using ropes.

“He had to remember some thousand moves to get up the wall. That’s what his visualization was,” Sharma said.

Sharma said he visualized the house he’s living in now before he saw it. Their family was living in an apartment in 2020 saving for a house when Tamara was diagnosed with cancer for a second time.

“She said, ‘I can’t die in this apartment,’ ” Sharma said.

He said he would look at houses in magazines, tear out the page and say, “Tamara, what do you think of this?” and he’d hang it on a wall next to their bed.

He knew he couldn’t afford a $13 million home. But they were looking for pieces of it, ideas of it.

“When I started to think about it, it wasn’t that house. It’s something like that house,” he said.

He said he was looking for how he wanted to feel when he was in a space, what he would feel like in the backyard picking up leaves, playing soccer with his daughters, barbecuing and gardening with Tamara.

“I really feel it. This is where I belong,” he said. “Once we saw this house, it wasn’t even a question.”

It’s a four-bedroom house on a double lot on what used to be a horse ranch near Santa Anita Park, a horse racing track, perfect for a Culver grad from Troop A.

 

 

He and his children are now envisioning what their next house will look like.

“It’s become part of how I move in manifesting the things I want in my life,” he said.

He said he manifests himself being around more positive people and seeing himself feeling great.

“Then I realize the place where I am I feel great,” he said.

Sharma also has a suggestion for people who know someone going through difficult times: be available and listen.  Sharma said he learned about a Culver classmate who has a partner going through a health issue. He hadn’t talked to the classmate in a while, but he reached out to see how he was doing.

“I said, ‘I’ve been in your shoes. My wife went through cancer. There’s not enough information out there for caregivers, especially for men,’ ” he said.

Sharma said he began reaching out to the classmate every two weeks. He said that’s what he wanted when his wife was struggling with cancer.

“All I wanted through the struggles was for someone to check in on me. To know someone was thinking about me. That’s it,” he said. “You’re not there to solve the problem. They have to solve it. They are looking for validation that they are making the right decisions and doing the best job they can.”

Sharma said he believes his desire to help others stems from the lessons he learned at Culver, because it is there where students learn to care for one another. He remembers a senior help him get over his homesickness in the fall of 1989.

“The seeds of taking care of others, looking out for others were probably planted there,” he said. “That grew through college and grew through my working career.”

Sharma hopes the advice he gives will help someone who is struggling to find a way to cope and find wellness. He said taking care of oneself doesn’t mean the problems are going to resolve on their own.

“They are still the same problems. Just the approach is different, you come up with an idea that you hadn’t thought of before,” he said. “Your mind has such clarity that you can then take on and figure out a way to overcome those challenges.”

Sharma’s advice aligns with Culver’s message to students that they shouldn’t think about mental health and emotional health only when they are feeling anxious, depressed, or dealing with some other issue. Mental health is a way of life. It is staying healthy by connecting with others and helping others, being physically active, getting enough sleep, developing coping skills and developing a sense of purpose.

School officials last year moved lights out at the Indiana boarding school from 11 p.m. to 10:15 p.m. to give students more time to sleep. Late lights are now 11 p.m., with internet access turned off from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m.

McKenna Littleton ’23, Culver Girls Academy’s second rotation senior prefect two years ago, promoted journaling as a mental health tool to practice gratitude and to better understand themselves.

Some instructors at Culver have incorporated meditation, including box breathing and other breathing methods, and other mindfulness exercises, into their lessons.

It’s all part of Culver’s focus on whole-person wellness that encourages each student to take care of their mind, spirit and body.